I was in 8th grade when I found out the world was broken. The Columbine High School Massacre shook a nation, and it shook me, too.
Sure, growing up in Texas, I had been vaguely aware of the 1993 Waco Siege and a bit more aware of the Oklahoma City Bombing since it provoked a moment of silence before one of my 10U softball games.
But when youâre 14 and your conversion to Christ is less than a year old, the martyrdom of would-be peers like Cassie Bernall and Rachel Scott tends to leave an imprint.
âDo you believe in God?â
âYes, I do.â
Bang.
Just a few years later, the world broke again.
It was September 11, 2001, and I had just walked into my Junior English class. There was a bit of a commotion and a student turned on the TV in the upper corner of the room, opposite the door, so I had a perfect view as I walked in. There was a tall building with smoke coming out of it. We watched with confusion, incredulity, and horror as a second plane ran into the other tower on live TV.
A girl in one of my classes shrieked that her dad was flying that day. She was a wreck until she found out he wasnât on one of those planes.
Our US government test was canceled that afternoon. Instead, we watched and discussed history in the making, with room for questions, grief, and silence.
Just as my 14 year old self took courage from the stories of students who lost their lives at Columbine, I also followed stories of heroism from 9/11. Of particular note was Christian husband and father Tod Beamer. He was one of the men who left the illusory safety of his passenger seat to fight his planeâs hijacker. This is the plane that crashed in a field rather than, say, the White House. His widowed wife tells the story in the book Letâs Roll.
These are the moments and stories we never forget.
You remember the images. You remember where you were standing when the news broke and your world broke with it.
Todayâs remembrance of 9/11 follows in the fresh wake of another world-breaking moment.
I wonât soon forget where I was standing yesterday afternoon when Charlie Kirk was murdered. I was in the kitchen, about to process some chicken and prepare enchiladas for our churchâs youth who would arrive at our house in a few hours. I picked up my phone to check Instagram, and at the top of my feed was a simple text post from Allie Beth Stuckey announcing the shooting and pleading for prayer.
My first thought was, âOh, God. Not Charlie Kirk.â You might have expected political violence against some of the more abrasive and loud-mouthed conservative figures. But Charlie was a devout Christian, outspoken but incredibly patient and willing to engage in dialog with anyone. âNot Charlie.â
Tears and many prayers followed.
Prayers and tears while cooking taco meat and rolling enchiladas. I asked the boys to put on a good album of Christian music while they cleaned and I cooked. I hadnât told them yet. Still processing the event and food and prayer after prayer after prayer.
But when the report came out that Charlie had died, and the boys could likely see that something had been eating at me or at least had me distracted, I finally told them. Right there in the kitchen, standing next to the kitchen table.
The words didnât come easily. But they came. So did the stunned faces, the look of shock and sadness.
Yesterday my 8th grader found out the world was broken, if he didnât know that already.
Because yesterday a good man got shot for speaking truth. Itâs the same thing that happened to Cassie Bernall and Rachel Scott, just on a grander and more sophisticated scale.
Promote free speech and civil discourse by living it.
Clearly articulate conservative moral and political views.
Speak up for the unborn.
Promote biblical marriage and family life.
Unashamedly proclaim the gospel.
Bang.
A young woman widowed. Two precious children left without a father. A nation of young people touched by the violence against a man who touched their lives.
What are we to do? Thereâs anger, thereâs grief. What does the Scripture say?
Be angry and yet do not sin.
Weep with those who weep.
Pray for the widow and orphan.
Pray for those who persecute you.
Speak the truth in love.
Do not be ashamed of the gospel: the world is broken, and we know the only Healer.
Yes, we can do that. By the grace of God, we can do all of that. I can encourage my sons in that.
But Iâm also thankful that I had responsibilities to feed other people yesterday evening. To pull me away from the news updates, the doom scrolling, the negative spiral and back into the physical world of embodied service and life in community.
We welcomed our friends last night, shared a meal, read and reflected on the Sermon on the Mount, prayed with our teens, and then as parents and leaders, prayed for our teens. What a healing balm on such a tragic day. We just did the usual thing, nothing loud and fancyâwe gathered as believers in Christ, practicing the ordinary means of grace.
And I think thatâs where Iâll leave this. Where do we go from here? We go to the Word and all of the most basic Christian disciplinesâboth in our solitude and in community. We run to Jesus, pleading that He might produce the fruit of His Spirit in us. And we go about our ordinary, everyday obedience to Christ, rolling up our sleeves and our enchiladas, refusing to abandon our post, refusing to shy away from the hard conversations, refusing to compromise the truth, prayerful and Christ-exalting in all of it.
And maybe, just maybe, instead of being more afraid because of yesterdayâs events, weâll do it all with even more courage and boldness because of Charlie Kirkâs example.
âThe blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church.â âTertullian
Some are called to serve Christ on the front lines by reaching young people on college campuses. And some of us are called to serve Christ on the front lines by raising our own young people before they land on a college campus.
So to the mamas out there: Hold the line. Make that meal. Arrange those flowers. Love your husband. Love your children. Call that friend. Provide the physical sustenance that brings people together for fellowship around the spiritual sustenance of the Word of God.
And pray for Erika Kirk as she seeks to do the sameâwithout Charlie by her side.
The following article and the other two in this series are talks that I gave at a womenâs retreat in my area. The theme was âPioneer Womenâ, and the scriptures were chosen for me. It was a fruitful exercise for me and a delight to get to share some insights from Godâs Word with the lovely ladies who gathered to hear it. I hope youâll find it to be an encouragement to you, as well. Building on the foundation of Godly Wisdom, and the life of Good Works that God calls us to, this third and final article discusses a Christian womanâs Gracious Words that ought to flow from hearts that have been redeemed by the love of God through the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Before we wrap up this series, letâs recap where weâve been:
We want to pursue wisdom, asking God for it and searching for it in His Wordâand we want to use that godly wisdom to glorify God by building up our householdâcaring for the people and things that God has entrusted to us.
We want to walk in the good works that God has prepared for us. Godly wisdom helps us to discern what works are truly good and worth our time, and we know that godly wisdom is rooted in the fact that our salvation rests fully on the work of Christânot our own works. We love because He has first loved us. With faith and hope in Jesus, and with assurance of His incredible love for us, we can roll up our sleeves and do good to others in His name.
But Our Words Can Make or Break Our Service
We know that serving others can be messy. When we help those in need, we often become aware of things in their lives that they are ashamed of. The places they need help are often places of pain.
This is actually the context for todayâs passage on the tongue. Our verse is 1 Timothy 3:11, but Iâm going to get a run at it, starting with verse eight:
Deacons likewise must be men of dignity, not double-tongued, or addicted to much wine or fond of sordid gain, but holding to the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience. These men must also first be tested; then let them serve as deacons if they are beyond reproach. Women must likewise be dignified, not malicious gossips, but temperate, faithful in all things.
The word deacon means âservant.â This can take a lot of forms, from serving tables (Acts 6) to managing finances to visiting the sick and needy. Many commentators see the women in this passage as the wives of deacons, since the word for woman is the same in Greek as the word for wife. However you take it, itâs clear that the bible holds high standards for both men and women who serve in the church, and that standard is the kind of Christian maturity that we all ought to be aiming toward.
A woman who helps her husband in the service of God’s people, or who does real service in the church, whether married or not, needs to be someone who can be trusted. Are you a trustworthy friend and helper? Or does your mouth share what ought to be kept private? This takes wisdom and discretion, and we all will get it wrong sometimes (James 3). Each time we fail in our speech is an opportunity to confess it to the Lord and to anyone else where necessary, to repent of that sinful speech, and trust fully in the Lord Jesus who died to pay the penalty for that sin.
A High Calling
Now, letâs look a bit closer at 1 Timothy 3:11, complete with color-coding to help us see what’s there. đ
Itâs interesting to note that the characteristics held up for the women in our verse mirror most of those listed for the men:
Both are to be âdignified,â or honorable, so that when they serve in an official capacity for the church, they represent it and the Lord Jesus Christ well.
While it says women are to be âtemperate,â the men also are to ânot be addicted to much wineââboth are to be self-controlled and not under the influence of alcohol, so that they are able to serve with good, sober judgment at all times.
The call for women to be âfaithful in all thingsâ mirrors the menâs calling to be âbeyond reproachââso that no charges of misconduct can be brought against them.
The need for a deacon to be ânot fond of sordid gainâ, that is, ill-gotten or unjustly acquired wealth, fits here, too. When you are active in service, you may be entrusted with money either to give to those in need or to purchase things for service projects. âFaithful in all thingsâ certainly would have an impact on how a man or woman handles money.
The same mirroring pattern holds for gossip. Women are not to be âmalicious gossips.â And the men are not to be âdouble-tongued,â talking nice to someoneâs face but saying something quite different behind their back.
Gossip
So what is gossip? Well, in our passage, the Greek word translated gossip is âdiabolos.â The majority of the time this word is used in the New Testament, it is translated âdevilââreferring to our enemy, the accuser of the brethren, the slanderer of our good and gracious God.
Our world today may wink at gossip as though it isnât a big deal, or may even celebrate it by publishing it in tabloids, posting it on social media, or promoting it as ânews.â But weâre warned in Scripture that gossip is a devilish and destructive behavior.
Hereâs a definition of gossip from Matthew Mitchell, a pastor invested in biblical counseling: He says that gossip is âBearing bad news behind someoneâs back out of a bad heart. âŚWe gossip because our sinful hearts are attracted to negative stories much like moths to a flame.â
Ouch! But isnât there truth in that statement? Have you ever wondered why the news focuses so much on bad news? Why most viral social media posts are angry rants? The human heart is drawn to this stuff.
If we are to become wise women whose speech is characterized by gracious words, we need to learn how to resist gossip from the heartânot just try to stop damaging words at our lips, but learning to renew our hearts and minds by the help of Godâs Holy Spirit.
Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks, Jesus told us.
In Philippians 4:8, Paul tells us to think about whatever things are true, honorable, right, pure, lovelyâŚif there is anything of good repute, if there is excellence, or anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Thatâs a pretty good filter both for what we take in and for what we dish out.
Gossip can include passing on a scandalous news story that you havenât verifiedâor one that you have verified but simply isnât necessary. It can include divulging private matters that someone entrusted to you in confidenceâand in such cases, itâs a breech of trust that can not only hurt the person youâre speaking about, but it can also do lasting damage to your relationship. And the person you shared that juicy morsel withâhow likely are they to trust you in the future? They already know that you talked about your other friend behind her back.
Searching Our Hearts
Here are some questions we can ask ourselves to keep our hearts and our tongues in check. These are borrowed from a recent podcast episode on gossip by Marci Farrell, at Thankful Homemaker:
Questions to ask yourself:
Is it time to say this?
Am I the right person to say this?
Is it necessary? (Will it really help/give grace?)
Is it kind?
Is it true?
A question I would add is this:
Why do I want to share this? Am I making myself feel or look better by sharing someone elseâs shame?
How can I speak graciously and honestly about this person without divulging things that ought to remain private?
Where to watch out for gossip:
Social media
When seeking counsel
Prayer requests
Sharing conflict
Venting
Caveat: We may need a trusted husband or friend or mentor with which to share the details of our lives and the wrestlings of our heartsâjust make sure they are trustworthy and not prone to morbid interest in gossip or to repeating what they hear. I remember sharing something with a friend in college, and her response was, as she assumed, to join me in bashing the other person. But that wasnât what I was doing, nor was it what I wanted from her. She demonstrated that she was not a godly, trustworthy friend. A good and godly friend will sympathize with you without taking on an ungodly attitude on your behalf. Look for that in a friend, and seek to be that kind of friend for others.
Here are two other caveats that we canât go into detail on today, but that Iâd still like to briefly state:
1) Thereâs a difference between a hard word and a harsh word. We canât control how someone will respond when we bring a needed reproof (a hard word). But we can control how we deliver itâby being gracious rather than harsh.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1
2) Thereâs also a big difference between everyday wise restraint of our speech and reporting a crime. Talk to the wise older women and leaders in your church for help knowing when it is time to speak up and get help. If thereâs real danger, please reach out to someone who can help.
Gracious Words Build Up Children
To bring this all home, I want to illustrate the deep impact our words can have. Letâs think for a moment about our long-ago pioneer woman. Letâs imagine that her family lives out on the plains where their nearest neighbors are 50, maybe 100 miles away, back in a time when that kind of journey would take a couple days. Her husband and her children would be the only people around on a daily basis. And that means that the words she spoke to them would make up just about all that they heard from anyone. There would be no video or audio recordings. No telephones. No one else to speak words of life to her husband and children. What if she spoke bitterly and sarcastically toward her husband and impatiently and critically toward her children? What if she filed all of her complaints against her husband to the children? And what if she did them same when reporting on the children to their father?
The man and the children might try to encourage each other, but what has mama contributed to their hearts and minds? What atmosphere has she created in her home?
We have so many entertainments and noisy diversions today that we might imagine that the impact of our words is less critical than in bygone days (but it’s not). And with all of our personalized distractions, itâs possible to hurt others by our lack of speech: completely ignoring the people in our homes, each of us more attached to a device or screen than we are to one another. We can do harm both by destructive words and by checking out.
Children not only learn to talk from their parents, they also build their inner script off of what they hear from their parents. I believe it was Sally Clarkson who first made me aware of this particular power of mothers. We set the tone for our childrenâs hearts and minds, fueling their inner dialog, or what some call âself-talk.â Iâve seen this work out beautifully. My pastor and his wife have some incredibly joyful daughters. I can see so much of their motherâs words and attitudes in them. But I also have a friend whose mother spoke words of poison into her soul. And the impact has been disastrous, wreaking havoc in my friendâs life ten, twenty years into adulthood. There are very real and long-lasting consequences to the words we speak in our homes.
Itâs not that we canât, by the grace of God, overcome the difficult and sometimes downright devilish words that have been spoken around us or to us or about us. By Godâs grace and the power of His Spirit, we can put off the old and put on the new, we can fill our hearts and minds with Scripture, turn our thoughts to what God says is true, be nourished by friends and mentors who speak Godâs truth over us. But isnât it better, if it is in our power, especially if we are mothers, to lay that kind of foundation for our families in the first place?
Reading the bible to the children, helping them memorize scripture, singing songs and hymns, telling good, heroic stories, calming them when theyâre scared, teaching them to turn their thoughts to what is true and good, praying with them, lovingly teaching them all the practical skills of everyday life, calmly disciplining and then redirecting them when they misbehave…
Our attitudes and words in all of these activities make up the air that our children breathe.
Gracious Words Build Up Husbands
And this is true for anyone we share our home with, including our husbands, if weâre married. Our words to our husbands either strengthen our relationship, put it on ice, or tear it down. What are you doing in your words to your husband? Typically, a wifeâs opinion and treatment of her husband matters to him more than what anyone else thinks of him or says to him. Use that power for good. Build him up with gracious, encouraging words. Thank him for what he does for your familyâboth at work and at home. If he plays with the children, encourage and celebrate it. Remind him why you fell for him in the first place and tell him what you still love about him today. Like the pioneer husband on the plains, he wonât get that kind of encouragement from anyone else but youâand he shouldnât.
Whomever you live with or nearâa roommate or sibling, a neighbor down the street or down the hallâwhat impact can your gracious words have on them? For their good and for the sake of the gospel of Jesus? Letâs align our hearts with Godâs truth and use our words to proclaim and show forth His goodness to those around usâin our homes, in our churches, and wherever else we may go.
God, in the beginning, You spoke and created all things. And you said that it was all GOOD. Only You have true words of life, so help us to run to You, to cling to Your life-giving Word. And Father, please put Your Word into our hearts and minds, and may it also pour out of us into the lives of others, that our words would be in line with Your words, Your truth, Your goodness. May the teaching of kindness be on our lips. Amen.
Have you read all three posts in this series? What has spoken to your heart when it comes to living out Godly Wisdom, Good Works, and Gracious Words? Have you prayerfully put any of this into practice?
The following article and the other two in this series are talks that I gave at a womenâs retreat in my area. The theme was âPioneer Womenâ, and the scriptures were chosen for me. It was a fruitful exercise for me and a delight to get to share some insights from Godâs word with the lovely ladies who gathered to hear it. I hope youâll find it to be an encouragement to you, as well. Building on the foundation of Godly Wisdom, this second article discusses a Christian womanâs Good Works, and the third article focuses on the Gracious Words that ought to flow from hearts that have been redeemed by the love of God through the gospel of Jesus Christ.
In Part One we covered how Godly Wisdom can help us build up our homes and people. Now weâre going to look more specifically at how that Godly Wisdom produces a life of Good Works.
First weâll discover from our passage that modesty and Good Works flow from the same heart.
Then weâll look at examples of Good Works and consider how they might look different in different seasons in our life.
And then I have a poem to share with you.
Getting Dressed in ⌠Good Works
Our world puts a lot of emphasis on outward beauty, and we all have likely felt the pressure to keep up. Thereâs an endless supply of makeup and beauty products from companies that are eager to play on your insecurities as a business strategy. Fast fashion provides an endless supply of clothing and accessories, cheaply made, and changing from season to season so that youâll always fall behind.
These influences can promote insecurity about who we are, competition with others, and the temptation to exalt ourselves to keep up. While itâs good to care for your body and your physical appearance, itâs not good to sell your soul to do so, or to crowd out things that are far more important.
To that point, letâs take a look at 1 Timothy 2:9-10:
Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness.
The apostle Paul calls us to wear proper clothing, but even more so he calls us to adorn ourselves with good works!
Modesty is part of the context of our passage, so I want to give you something you can take home on the subjectâand you might be surprised that it actually relates to our topic of good works. The Greek word translated âmodestlyâ or âwith modestyâ in many of our English translations means âshame.â But itâs not the wallowing, debilitating kind. In fact, in the only other place itâs used in the New Testament, itâs translated âaweâ toward God. So this is a shame that doesnât get stuck feeling bad about oneself but rather sees the importance of something outside itself. Itâs a kind of shame that goes hand in hand with honor.
God is worthy of honor, so I would be ashamed to do something or wear something that would dishonor Him. The people around me are worthy of honor, so I would be ashamed to do or wear something that would in some way harm or dishonor them. My body, which God has made, is worthy of honor, so I would be ashamed to wear something or behave in a way that treats it as though itâs cheap.
When we know what is truly valuable, we order our lives to reflect it. When we see God for who He is, the most other, the most holy, the most powerful, loving, just, merciful, and goodâworthy of all praise and adoration; when we see that this amazing God sent His own Son to die so that we could live; when we see that our sin and shame was nailed to the cross and Jesusâ righteousness has been credited to our accountâthen our tendency to want to exalt ourselves by what we wear or do melts away. Thatâs where a truly modest heart comes from. And thatâs what drives both our manner of dress and what we choose to do with the time and energy we are given.
Our primary focus is not on showing off our wealth or our bodies or even our self-righteousness. Our primary focus is on honoring God and others by what we wear and even more so by what we do.
What Good Works?
So if we have clothed ourselves first with godly wisdom, which in this case means a heart that values God supremely and that sees the value of others and wants to honor them, how then do we clothe ourselves in good works? What can that look like?
1 Tim. 5:9-10 gives a list of good works that were to make up an older widowâs reputation if she was to be assisted by the church. What kind of works were listed there?
Bringing up children â Donât forget that your care for your children is not just a good work, it is one of the greatest works of your life. Devote yourself to doing it well. Those of you that work with children, whether you have any of your ownânurturing and caring for them, teaching them and pointing them to Jesusâthat is a good work. If you give to support the work of ministries who care for children, who care for women facing a surprise pregnancy, who help the foster or adoptive parent community. These are all good works.
Showing hospitality to strangers â In the ancient world, this often meant welcoming a traveler into your home, providing every comfort and sustenance for their stay and helping them on their way when it was time to leave. When we open our homes to others, it has the potential to nourish them spiritually, physically, emotionallyâin just about every way.
So look for and invest in those opportunities the Lord brings to show hospitality: whether itâs having people into your home to share your food and your life with them, or cooking food for a potluck at church enabling a longer and more intimate time of fellowship on a Sunday afternoon, having someone live with you while theyâre between jobs or housing options, or throwing a graduation party, bridal shower, baby shower, charitable bake sale, you name it.
By this work of provision and hosting, we women have the ability to deeply impact our families, our churches, and our broader communities, bidding them each to taste and see that the Lord is good and that fellowship among His people is sweet. That the grace that saves us is also a grace that changes us. It is amazing how God uses the love of Christians for one another to draw people to trust in Jesus.
Washing the feet of the saints â This is about serving in lowly ways. Feet get dirty. And they especially got dirty back in Bible times. Do you think certain acts of service are beneath you? Or are you willing to stoop down and do the work that must be done, whatever it is? Cleaning toilets. Changing diapers. Staying up with a toddler until theyâre done throwing up the last bite of supper. Staying up through the night praying with a friend until sheâs willing to flush that last joint. Pet sitting for a neighbor when youâre not a pet person, but her husband is in the hospital, so of course you say yes. These moments are not glamorous. Theyâre not fun. They may not line up with your gifts. And they wonât make it on your resume. But God sees. And He delights in and works through such sacrifices when they are offered to Him in faith.
Assisting those in distress â James tells us that part of true religion is visiting orphans and widows in their distress. The focus here is not just on the material need; itâs about those who are suffering alone: widows, orphans. Loneliness is a very real problem today, even in our supposedly connected modern world. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is simply show up. On an average Tuesday afternoon. Or in the hospital. At the funeral. With a card or flowers a year later at the anniversary of a loss. At their home with a warm meal or cup of coffee and an offer to listen.
This is where todayâs hustle culture can really lead us astray. Chasing our dreams with no concern for the needs of those around us means we likely donât even see them. And if we do, we excuse ourselves. We donât have time. Weâre too busy getting ahead.
But true religion sees and seeks to meet needs.
Good Works Go Both Ways
Now, I want to tell you a story that demonstrates how good works donât always have to go in one direction.
Almost two years ago there was a godly older man in our church whose wife was dying of cancer. A storm had downed a lot of limbs in his yard, but he didnât have the time or energy to handle it in that seasonâespecially not by himself. My husband Nathaniel organized a group of men from church to show up on a Saturday to cut and haul and burn until his yard was cleared.
Several months later, after his wife went home to be with the Lord, Nathaniel broke his hand. There was a lot of work to do on our property, and he was discouraged about it. So, I planned a surprise work day party for his 40th birthday, inviting friends from church to come help us clear brush and get our garden ready for the season. And you know who was the first person to show up that day, chainsaw in hand, ready to serve? The very same man my husband had helped several months before.
Sisters, thatâs what it looks like when the church behaves like a family. Or like an old-time community on the frontier, where neighbors help each other. Itâs just what they do. Thereâs not one class of people doing good works all the time with another class of people always on the receiving end. We each serve when weâre able and how weâre able. And we receive with gratitude when weâre the ones in need.
Part of making this kind of thing happen, though, is being vulnerable enough to share our needs with others so that we give them the opportunity to joyfully meet them in the name of Jesus.
Thereâs a particular need that my husband and I have noticed in recent years. There are a lot of young people, and even some approaching middle age, whose parents never taught them how to do basic life skills. They need someone to step in and provide for them the kind of life training that they didnât receive growing up. If your parents taught you a handful of life skills and youâve been on your own or caring for a family for a decade or more, you probably take your skills for granted. You donât have to be a homesteader and make sourdough to have something to offer. The skills youâve gained over the years are incredibly valuable, and there are people who need to learn from what you know.
Aside from the obvious home skills, what other skills do you have that could bless the people around you? In your church? In your place of work? The point here is not to zero in on any one set of skills, but to see what you have to offer that meets the needs of the people around you.
Good Works, Different Seasons
Itâs clichĂŠ but true: We canât all do everything, but we all can do something.
Sometimes weâre in a season of expansionâwhere we find we are capable of taking on more responsibility, more good work out there. Other times, we find ourselves in a season of pulling back, focusing on the essentialsâor even being more on the receiving end of other peopleâs good works and service on our behalf. There is no shame in any of these seasons. If you canât give much right now, if you are doing a lot more receiving than givingâthen do so graciously. Give thanks. Donât let feelings of guilt crowd out your ability to rejoice in the good work God is doing through others while you receive it or watch from the sidelines. And donât forget that your prayers are a very important part of the work of the kingdom.
If this message finds you in a season of overwhelm, where youâre thinking, this all sounds nice, but Iâm swamped, maxed-out, worn out⌠let me encourage you that the Christian life isnât about doing more. Some may need a nudge to get moving, maybe you donât.
At the next opportunity, I encourage you to step outside. To take a moment to pause. Take some deep breaths, and look around you at this incredible world that God has made. A world that He keeps spinning. A whole big world that doesnât depend upon you. You donât have to carry the weight of the world. Godâs got that covered.
Soak up what God has madeâthe birds of the air, offering up their songs to the Lord and to our ears for our enjoyment; the trees and flowers in bloom, filling our view with dazzling colors. And consider. God cares for each of these. And He cares for you, too.
In all your busyness, in all your responsibilities, in all your overwhelm, donât forget your Heavenly Fatherâs tender care for youâand cast your cares on Him. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you. God cares and provides for His people. And the work that has you so bogged down right now may produce fruit in due seasonâif you do not lose heart. Do not grow weary in doing good.
For your reflection:
What are the good works that God is calling you to do right now? Are there things to add?
Is there anything on your plate right now that doesnât belong there? That is either too much or all about exalting yourself? Or is it simply a distraction from the good work that you know God has called you to?
Are there good things that you are already doing, but youâre grumbling as you do them? Can you see with the eyes of faith that the work set before you is GOOD and therefore, itâs worth doing it cheerfully?
Iâd like to leave you with a poem that Elisabeth Elliot often shared in her writing and teaching. âDo the next thingâ may sound like just another modern, over-simplified, get-er-done mantra. But in the context of the poem and a life lived to the glory of God, it is much more: a call to live out our faith in Christ through surrendering to God in each task He sets before us, casting our cares on Him each step of the way.
DO THE NEXT THING
From an old English parsonage down by the sea There came in the twilight a message to me; Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven, Hath, it seems to me, teaching from Heaven. And on through the doors the quiet words ring Like a low inspiration: âDO THE NEXT THING.â
Many a questioning, many a fear, Many a doubt, hath its quieting here. Moment by moment, let down from Heaven, Time, opportunity, and guidance are given. Fear not tomorrows, child of the King, Trust them with Jesus, do the next thing
Do it immediately, do it with prayer; Do it reliantly, casting all care; Do it with reverence, tracing His hand Who placed it before thee with earnest command. Stayed on Omnipotence, safe âneath His wing, Leave all results, do the next thing.
Looking for Jesus, ever serener, Working or suffering, be thy demeanor; In His dear presence, the rest of His calm, The light of His countenance be thy psalm, Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing. Then, as He beckons thee, do the next thing.
But Rather By Means of Good Works
Being a wise and godly woman involves more than just donning the right outfit. Putting on a cotton prairie dress and some makeup can change your appearance, and thatâs fine, but it doesnât change your heart or get the work done for you.
Please donât let the algorithm or someone elseâs business model determine who you are, how you dress, and what you do. Stay rooted in Godâs word, dressing in a way that fits your profession of faith (and your daily activity!), and devoted to walking in the good works that God has prepared for you (1 Tim. 5:10 & Eph. 2:10).
Dear Father,
Help us to be women who are willing to roll up our sleeves, to step into the messes of life to lend a helping hand to our brothers and sisters in need. Help us to not be afraid to get dirty, having the heart of a true servant, like our Lord Jesus who stooped down to wash the feet of His disciples and to heal those who were sick or unclean.
May we see all of our workâin our homes, in our jobs or studies, in Your church, in our local communities, and even reaching to other nationsâmay we see all of it as an opportunity to serve others and adorn the gospel, the message of good news that while we were sinners, utterly lost in our rebellion, hopeless to gain salvation by our own worksâthat You, Jesus, lived that perfect life that pleases God, that You died on the cross as a payment for our sins, so that simply by placing our faith and hope in You, Jesus, we could be forgiven and gain full acceptance into Your family.
Help us to trust in You, Jesus, to see our sin and need for salvation, that no amount of our own good works can save us. But may we also see Your incredible love for us and Your offer of forgiveness and the hope of eternal life. May we do good works because You have done the ultimate work, and it is finished. May we rest in grace and labor in love. Itâs in Your sweet name, Jesus, that we pray. Amen.
The following article and the two that follow it are talks that I gave at a womenâs retreat in my area. The theme was âPioneer Womenâ, and the scriptures were chosen for me. So you could say I was writing and speaking to a prompt, which was a new and fun challenge. It was a fruitful exercise for me and a delight to get to share some insights from Godâs word with the lovely ladies who gathered to hear it. I hope youâll find it to be an encouragement to you, as well. This first article discusses a Christian womanâs Godly Wisdom, and the two following articles flow from that, digging deeper into the Good Works and Gracious Words that ought to flow from hearts that have been redeemed by the love of God through the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Iâm not a pioneer woman. Although we live on seven acres, homeschool, make most of our food from scratch, and tend a large garden, we donât have animals [yet], and we live close enough to town that lately I end up going there for activities and errands most days of the week, so I wouldnât call myself a homesteader and certainly not a pioneer woman.
But I know someone who fits the description pretty well. In fact, I have used Proverbs 14:1, our passage for today, about this friend of mine, because she has been literally building her house along with her husband, debt free on a teacherâs salary up in north central Arkansas with lumber they milled themselves right there on the family land. Theyâve also got a cow and chickens and goats and cats, she makes her own kombucha, and theyâre homeschooling the oldest few of their five young children. Theyâre really doing it. And itâs kinda crazy and truly inspiring. We go up to visit them every summer to pitch in, and itâs a blast.
Weâre not all going to live that kind of lifestyle, but I think we can all recognize the incredible spunk and resourcefulness, patience and intention that go into that kind of undertaking. So in this article weâre going to explore how we can apply some of those same pioneer woman qualities in our own context.
First, weâll cover Proverbs 14:1 looking at what Godly Wisdom is and does.
Then, weâll see how our passage lays only two options before us. And Iâll give you five habits of a wise woman that can help you think through your own situation.
Finally, Iâll tell you about the great recognition that might just change the way you think about your home life.
What Godly Wisdom Is and Does
Our first scripture for today reminds us of the power and influence we have over our household. How we show up at home matters today as much as it did in times past.
Hereâs Proverbs 14:1:
The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.
In the broader context of Proverbs, this verse simply continues the contrast between wisdom and folly. The wise do this, and the foolish do that. Lady wisdom, as the idea of wisdom is often personified, does something positive, while Lady folly, her foolish counterpart, does something negative, sometimes with disastrous consequences.
Lady wisdom, or that wise woman of Proverbs, builds her house. But before we talk about building, we probably ought to understand what it means to be wise according to the Bible.
What is wisdom? In Godâs word, wisdom carries both the idea of understanding what is good and right and best before God AND choosing or doing what is good and right and best in our own given situation. All of our practical wisdom can develop freely and in many creative directions if we first submit our hearts and minds to God, reverently loving what He loves and hating what He hates.
To give us some idea of what wisdom looks like in practice, here are some examples of what wisdom does:
Wisdom fears the Lord.
Wisdom seeks for knowledge and understanding rather than waiting around for it.
Wisdom pays attention.
Wisdom sees needs in advance and plans to meet them in a timely manner.
Wisdom sees harm in advance and prepares to avoid or endure it well.
Wisdom chooses the truth over the half truth or lies, the good over the bad, the effective over the ineffective (but also creative beauty over mere efficiency), to build rather than to destroy, to work with excellence rather than sloppiness (but it also prefers good enough and done over paralyzing perfectionism).
Wisdom considers all of the moving pieces of a household, whether people, animals, plants, or inanimate objects, and seeks to manage them well and for the health and flourishing of each member.
Wisdom speaks skillfully and with kindness; and is quiet when necessary, too.
James 3:13-18 gives us a good description of godly wisdom in contrast to worldly wisdom:
Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
The negative traits that James lists give us a picture of the kind of woman who might tear down her household or those around her: âbitter jealousyâ âselfish ambitionâ âarroganceâ âliesâ âdisorderâ âhypocrisyâ.
Are those things that you bring to your home? Or does your presence in your home bring with it âgentlenessâ âunderstandingâ âgood behaviorâ âpurityâ âpeaceâ âreasonablenessâ âmercyâ âgood fruitsâ ârighteousnessâ?
We donât accidentally produce good fruit. We grow in godly wisdom and the fruit of the Spirit by depending upon the Lord, anchoring ourselves in His word, and practicing what weâre learningâwith a lot of confession and repentance and resting in Jesusâ along the way when we get it wrong.
Only Two Options
Proverbs 14:1 paints a picture of only two options: a wise woman who actively builds up her household; and a foolish woman who actively tears it down. There is no neutral third party. Either you contribute to the good of your household, or you work toward its destruction by your complacency.
Now, Iâm not talking about being a perfectionist, but I am talking about being faithful to do what you can. Proverbs warns us that âThe lazy man is brother to him who destroys.â
Think about it: If you simply ignore the dust bunnies, will they go away or get bigger? Do your floors clean themselves? Does the clutter go away if you ignore it? No, all of these get worse with time and use. We can tear our house down by our neglect. (Iâm learning now just how important maintenance isâfor our homes and possessions and our aging bodies. Maintenance is required!) Weâd like to be able to just ignore it all and do whatever new thing peaks our interest, but thatâs not the way this sin-cursed world works. Things tend toward entropy. Toward falling apart and breaking down.
If we are merely indifferent toward our responsibilities to care for, to steward, the good things God has graciously given us, then we are actuallycontributing toward their destruction.
Think about how this works in relationships. If your husband or sibling or roommate always responded to you with blank looks and a mopey attitude, would you feel like they were close to you, or would you feel like they were moving away from you? Like maybe they had something against you? If we are not actively investing in the people in our livesâby looking them in the eyes, smiling at them, and engaging with them with interest and real concern, we are actually tearing down our relationships by our lack of investing in them. Itâs been said that the opposite of love is not hate but rather indifference. Watch out that indifference doesnât creep into your relationships.
Weather weâre talking about seeds in the garden or relationships in our home, if we donât water it, itâs not gonna grow, and it might just die.
Five Habits of a Wise Woman
So, how can we be wise and intentional builders rather than foolish and negligent destroyers? How do we translate the idea-level wisdom of Scripture into a boots-on-the-ground wisdom that builds up our homes and people? Well, we need to first understand that wisdom discerns what best honors God and serves people in a real time and place. So there isnât a cookie-cutter answer. But we can learn how to prayerfully think through our own situation and season of life.
To that end, here are FIVE habits of a wise woman that can help us to be builders in our homes. We need to PRIORITIZE, or put first things first, ATTEND to those things that are our priorities, IMAGINE what is possible for our homes and people, ESTABLISH rhythms or routines to help us follow through on our intentions, and ACQUIRE the skills necessary to do our duties and love our people well. If you have paper or a notebook handy, write down each habit and answer the questions or prompts listed under each.
PRIORITIZE
The commands and examples of scripture call us to prioritize home as the first place of ministry and as the place from which we can do good works for the glory of God beyond our front door. Remember that godly wisdom isnât hypocritical. We ought to be practicing Christian virtue and service at homeâwhere only our families or roommatesâor maybe even only Godâsees how we live.
So. âWho and what are you responsible for? List everything that comes to mind.
Circle those people and things that you are most responsible for before God. Think of where you live. An apartment? House? Assisted living? Think of who you live with or who is nearby.
If you wear the title âwifeâ or âmomâ then you are irreplaceable in those roles. Make sure you show up for them first and always. If you are the only daughter of your parents, or you siblingsâ only sister, know that you are irreplaceable in those relationships, too.
ATTEND
See your home and see your peopleâgive your attention to each. Itâs said about that Proverbs 31 woman that âShe looks well to the ways of her household.â Look and really see both the people and the things around you. And write them down.
List what each one needs from you. Then circle those things that would make the most difference for them if you did them.
You canât do everything. So evaluating and prioritizing are things we have to do again and again. When we have to do it on the fly, I call it triage. And Iâve been doing it a LOT lately since weâre into our second month of a home remodel project along with track season for the boys and a host of other projects.
The constant question isnât how can I get it all doneâinstead itâs what can I not afford to leave undone? Some days or weeks that will be a task or project or something with a deadline; other times, itâs a conversation or other investment in a relationship that is timely and simply cannot wait.
Attend to yourself: The woman sets the tone of the household–your emotions are the thermostat. Are you heating things up? Are you cold toward others? Or are you pleasantly warm or cool to meet the needs in your home?
Do the members of your home need more hugs? How can you show appropriate physical affection? A hand on the shoulder to encourage a friend or roommate. Hugging your kids. When they get on your nerves, give them a hug rather than running away from them. It will probably calm you both down.
This is also a great opportunity to make plans to encourage the people in your home. Donât leave this to chance. Take a quiet moment to think about who they are and what they doâand how you can praise and thank them for what they do well.
Itâs hard to obey the command to consider the needs of others if you arenât even aware of them. So start paying attention.
IMAGINE the good that is possible
It might be surprising to hear that cultivating imagination can help you live out your faith and build up your home and family. But the more our culture breaks ties between one generation and the generation that came before it, the more we are left in the dark about how godly women have done this job well in past ages. We lose touch with history and traditional skills and biblical family dynamics. And our TV and movies donât usually give us pictures of these thingsâor if they do, they donât often hold them up with dignity and encouragement.
Perhaps even more disturbing, with screens replacing face-to-face human interaction, we as a society are losing touch with the basic skills and manners that nourish relationships. We need instruction and imagination to think ahead about how to prefer others in social settings, or to understand what another person might be going through. Iâll just straight up tell you, that Iâve had to learn and grow a lot in that department over the years.
Read Christian books on homemakingâwhether you work outside of the home or not, whether youâre married or single. They can inspire youâbecause making our homes a more enjoyable place to live and to share with others is a wonderful way to imitate God in His creative and sustaining work. Books by Sally Clarkson are a great place to start (I’ve enjoyed The Life Giving Home more than once).
What would make your home just a little more beautiful? Donât break the bankâit can be a bunch of wildflowers collected from the side of the road that you put in a drinking glass on your desk or the kitchen table. What small touch can you add that will show yourself and others that you care for the space?
ESTABLISH rhythms of work and rest, fellowship and availability and solitude
If weâve set our priorities and identified real needs, we ought to be intentional about making space for them in our schedule.
Is Godâs word a part of your routine? Do you share that with the members of your household? Do you pray with them? For them? To build them up in the faith?
Meal times can be a great opportunity to attach bible reading to something that already happens during your day.
What would it take to make regular family meals a reality in your home if it isnât already? Or, if youâre ready to level up, to have someone over for dinner once a week?
Do you plan times of rest into your days and weeks? Do you make space for screen-free family or roommate time where the focus is on each other and not on digital media?
Pick one or two building actions that you want to put into place this weekâand choose ahead of time when you will do them. Establish a routine.
ACQUIRE skills and tools
As you are attending to your home and your people, youâll probably start to notice that there are things that donât come naturally, areas where you need a lot of growth or donât know exactly what to do. Thatâs ok! Get started anyway. But take notes on what skills or tools you need to add to your tool box. What are they? Write them down! Seek out both physical skills and social graces. Look around at your sisters in Christ who do any of these things well. Imitate them or ask them to teach you.
The Great Recognition:
GOD IS A MEMBER OF YOUR HOUSEHOLDâThis may be most notable for those who live alone.
If you live alone, who is there with your thoughts and actions? You and God. Are you building each of them up? Do your words to yourself ring trueâdo they build you up in the faith? Or do they tear you down? Are your thoughts about yourself and others always critical, echoing the voice of the accuser? Or are you renewing your mind with Godâs word?
Are your thoughts about God and your prayers to Him what they ought to be? God deserves our praise, even more than the people who may live in our homes need our encouragement. Do we recognize that God is with us? As the central figure in our home? How does the goal of building your house change when you consider that, if you are a believer in Jesus, He is there with you in the quietness of your home? Do you âbuild upâ your thoughts of God with the truth of Scripture?
Now God is so big and self-sustaining that He doesnât need anything from us. But He desires our childlike trust, our responsive love, and our sincere thanks and adoration for all He is and all He has done for us. And He invites us to join Him in the work that Heâs doing in the world.
So as you consider building up the people in your home, please do not forget that God is a part of your household. That your relationship with Jesus and your thoughts of Him, as well as those of everyone else in your home, need to be built up, too.
Bringing It Home
The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands. We need godly wisdom that fears the Lord, ordering all of our loves and actions under His Lordship and authority and putting to use all that God has given us to point to the grace of God in Christ Jesus.
Please donât underestimate the power of a warm home and a healthy, loving family in this kingdom-building work. So many people are coming from broken homes and broken situations. Nothing out there in the world can replace the home they should have had. But our homes, surrendered to the Lord and made welcoming for people, can be a place of love and warmth that points others to the love of God.
So, like the strong, resourceful pioneer women, with a prayer and a plan, letâs roll up our sleeves and get to work.
How do you plan to build up your people and your home this week?
Dear sisters, this article is about miscarriage. Some things I share may be a little too much if you are in the early weeks of pregnancy waiting for that first appointment, or if a loss is still fresh in your memory. Itâs ok to skip reading this for now if that is what is best for you. For the rest, I hope what I share will be an encouragement and a helpâif you have suffered pregnancy loss, may it remind you that you are not alone and that your have a heavenly Father who cares for you; and if you have not, may this help you to understand what many, many women experience during their childbearing years so that you can love them well in your own community. >hugs<
Maternity photo when my oldest was on the way.
Today might have been my due date.
The pregnancy was a surprise. We had discussed perhaps trying for another child before my fertility ran out (for reference, Iâll be 40 this fall), but we hadnât made any decision yet to do so. We were both shocked when the test was positive.
My youngest son was 12. There would have been a 13 year gap. I was excited at the thought of a new baby, but I mourned the gap.
We had sold our minivan over the summer and replaced it with a pick-up truck. Vehicle prices had gone way up, and it looked like we would need to find another van.
We were in the middle of a very busy Christmas season, and with my pregnancy-induced autoimmune disease looming on the horizon, I had to find a doctorâand the right one–FAST.
To say that this news rocked our world would not be an understatement.
To add injury to shock, a few hours after the positive pregnancy test, my oldest fell on his otherarm, and we were off to the emergency room that very same day.
Thankfully the fracture was mild this time, but while he was still in a brace, his brother got the flu, and we missed Christmas with my family. We tried to go down for New Yearâs, but Nathaniel and my oldest got sick as well. We prayed, were careful, invested in some TamiFlu, and I thankfully managed to stay well.
Even so, my first OB appointment got delayed a week since we still had some lingering flu symptoms in the house.
Before moving on, I want to take a moment here to share how I related to God through this time of expectant waitingâŚ
I knew I was a much older mom at this point, and that the likelihood of pregnancy loss was much higher. But I thanked God for the gift of new life, no matter what would come of it. To be expecting again was a gift. To be carrying a child, to love a child I could not yet see, was a gift. No matter what happened.
In terms of symptoms, I marveled that my initial hint-of-queasiness that started at 6 weeks hadnât ramped up any by almost 8 weeks. Maybe this pregnancy would be different!
And indeed it was.
At what should have been 7 weeks and about 5 days, the ultrasound, though it showed a sac and everything in the right place, measured only 5 weeks and 5 days. No visual on the baby. No heartbeat.
âEverything looks good. It could just be that weâre working on a different time line than we originally thought.â
But Iâd been charting my cycles for 16 years. I had the dates right. I knew something wasnât right.
We were very pleased with the doctor and her staff, however. They were absolutely wonderful. And we were relieved to have a doctor who would readily prescribe the medication I needed to manage my autoimmune disease with nothing more than a phone call as soon as it started to flare up.
To get a better picture of how I was progressing, they drew blood to check HCG levels. And scheduled me to come back two days later to check it again.
But later that evening I started spotting. I thought perhaps it was related to a potential UTI, for which theyâd given me antibiotics. By the next morning, it had gotten worse, and I was in pain.
By the day of my follow-up HCG draw, the pain grew intense. I had labored without pain medication for both of my boys, and would gladly do it again, but seeing the writing on the wall, I took a Tylenol to take the edge off for the ride to doctorâs office, which was awful. Iâd never labored in a vehicle before. My autoimmune disease had required us to induce twice, so this was a new experience. That car ride was the worst.
Given my symptoms, we did another ultrasound to check on things. This time there was no sac to be seen. I could hear the heartbeat from another baby in another room, but again none in mine. I went home to wait.
The next day I stayed in bed and by evening had lost the pregnancyâand whatever there was of a tiny, yet unseen by me, babyâin the toilet.
I stayed home from church the next morning. Physically needing rest and knowing that I just couldnât handle it emotionally yet anyway.
Friends took good care of us, bringing us meals. I canât say enough how wonderful it was to be so well cared for. Our family and church family are such a blessing.
And we got to return the favor rather quickly, as a friend at a similar place in pregnancy had the same experience one week later. We grieved together and prayed for one another.
With my firstborn son, fifteen years ago. Add a few lines around the eyes, gray hairs, and extra pounds to imagine what might have been.
Once I had rested adequately, taking it slow for about four weeks, I threw myself into whatever work was at hand. Speaking at a local homeschool mini conference, planning a surprise party for my husbandâs 40th birthday, reaching out to ladies at church, among other things. If having a baby would provide one set of opportunities, not having a baby would open up another. We werenât sure if we would try again, so in the mean time, I put my hand to the plow and tried not to look back. If this was the door the Lord had open for me, I would walk through it with as much fervor as I had thrown into supporting my pregnancy.
Sometimes itâs hard to know whether we have fresh diligence in our work or if weâre just looking for a distraction from pain. I think it was a mixture of the two for me. I tried to be present with my grief when it came over me, talking it through with my husband, and pouring it out before the Lord. But I also didnât want to sit in it. Still, it would come on in waves, the triggers taking me by surprise.
Like shopping for clothes for my boys at the big consignment sale event. I didnât think anything of it most of the time we were thereâŚuntil we stepped into the room with all the baby gearâŚthe kinds of things I would have been shopping for that day if there was still a baby growing in my womb.
Another trigger hit with a wave of both grief and gratitude.
When I was going through some important papers a couple months after the miscarriage, I came across my youngest sonâs birth certificate. I read the words: âCertificate of live birth,â and immediately burst into tears and gave thanks to God. How precious those words were. Because my son is precious, and I can remember how tumultuous his birth wasâhow I had been monitored for almost ten weeks by a high risk OB with ultrasounds and non-stress tests, how my amniotic fluid levels got to be too low and risk of stillbirth increased, how his heart rate wasnât great when we went in to induce, how things got better with an IV but eventually got worse and even risky as labor went on, how close we were to an unmedicated emergency C-section, how the doctor coached me to push non-stop-no-breaks until he was out and breathing. âOh, baby, baby, baby!â Thatâs how I greeted him when he took his first breath, filled his lungs, and let out his first, sweet cry.
But I had processed all of that before. This time the words hit me with all of that weight and the added weight of a live birth that now could never be. Thereâs a sinking feeling as I type those words, but my overwhelming takeaway from that moment with my sonâs birth certificate in my hands is this: life is precious. Itâs a gift. Itâs not guaranteed. The fact that I have two amazing sons who are now in their teen years is all of grace, all a gift of God. And Iâm thankful.
Fast forward to today. In the midst of a busy end-of-summer, start-of-school, birthday-celebration season for our family, itâs strange to think of how different our current pace would be if Iâd been battling an autoimmune disease and late-pregnancy fatigue and had had a baby a week ago (I didnât expect to reach my due date).
The grief doesnât rush over me like a wave anymore. Itâs more like a sad but distant peak into an alternate life that might have been but isnât. Our life and our hearts are full, even having been given a taste of another good thing only to have it taken away. God is good.
That’s not a clichĂŠ, it’s truth. A truth to cling to in the midst of trials that feel anything but good.
God would be good however it all turned out. The Author of life is the Author of our stories, and we are living in the story He has chosen to write for us–for our good and growth in Christ and for His glory. In so many ways it isnât what we would have imagined or chosen ourselves. But it is good. He is good.
And that is where my heart can find its comfort and rest.
I recently had the privilege of chatting with Mystie Winckler on her Simplified Organization Podcast, sharing the story of how I really learned to be an impervious homeschool mom during my oldest sonâs challenging fourth grade year. As soon as the recording was over my mind filled with further thoughts and clarity on the subject, which, in my limited experience with podcasts, seems to be par for the course. At any rate, Iâd like to share the concept of imperviousness with you for your benefit so that the story I tell on Mystieâs podcast will make that much more sense and be that much more helpful.
I first heard about imperviousness many years ago from Mystie herself, who heard it from Cindy Rollins before that. Despite having been introduced to the concept early in our homeschool journey, it took me some time to wrap my head around it.
So what does it mean to be impervious? Hereâs the definition from Websterâs:
Impervious: 1a: not allowing entrance or passage : impenetrable Ex: ‘a coat impervious to rain’ b: not capable of being damaged or harmed Ex: ‘a carpet impervious to rough treatment’ 2: not capable of being affected or disturbed Ex: ‘impervious to criticism’
The essential idea when applied to parenting and homeschooling is to not let your kids get to you. You are committed to doing what is right for your kids without being thrown off course by their ups and downs, whining or talking-back, disobedience or tantrums, pleading or puppy-dog eyes.
This doesnât mean youâre cold and heartless, it just means that you are in control of yourself rather than letting your kids take the reigns or knock you off-kilter. Kids arenât born with self-control, so youâve got a long head-start on them in developing it; and if you are a regenerate follower of Jesus Christ, you have the Holy Spirit to produce that fruit in you.
Be controlled by the Spirit, not by your kids. (See Ephesians 5:18 and laugh with me at the loose parallelism that I just made.)
Imperviousness absolutely ought to come with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). Though in the moment, when youâre tested by all the fuss your children can muster, it can feel a lot more like holding back a wave of frustration and mommy-tantrums than like âsmooth and easy daysâ (Iâm looking at you, Charlotte). đ
From my own experience, I will offer that imperviousnessâa bit of emotional separation from your kidsâis actually an important step toward having genuine fruit of the Spirit grow in your relationships with your children.
Itâs tempting to think that the more we detach from our kidsâ emotions, the less able we will be to sympathize with them and offer the emotional support that they may need. But in reality, if my emotions arenât under control, if they are instead reactive or reflective of my childâs emotions, then Iâm not providing the stable anchor for my child in the midst of his turbulent sea.
Once I was able to see my sonâs ups and downs without joining him in them or reacting to them, I was then able to calmly call him to do his duty and also calmly comfort him when learning to overcome his particular challenges was really hard.
Imperviousness is sometimes referred to as âbeing the wallâ for our kids. Setting a course or a standard and sticking to it no matter how our kids bump up against us. But take note that being a wall doesnât require being angry. In fact, getting upset actually means that our wall is likely to moveâeither to give way to our kids or to fall on them and crush them. Thatâs not imperviousness in either case.
When our kids are on an emotional roller coaster, we donât need to get on the roller coaster with them. We can help them calm down and do the work only when we ourselves remain calm and stay off of the wild ride that theyâre on.
In the podcast with Mystie, I tell the story of my oldest sonâs fourth grade year, which was a painful learning process for us both. My lack of imperviousness around math led to a need for interventionâmy husband helped set us on a course that provided more distance between me and my sonâs day-to-day math performance. As a result, we both grew by leaps and bounds that year, and we have reaped the benefits of it ever since (that 10-year-old is now 15!). I learned to be truly impervious in what was for me the place of greatest testing. Make sure you get the full story by listening to (or watching) the podcast, and then consider these take-aways from my experience:
Even when you have an idea of how to be impervious as a mother, donât be surprised if you find yourself tested in a particular area. I could be impervious in a lot of settings, but math was my Achillesâ heel. Watch out for that one specific area that trips you up. âTherefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.â 1 Corinthians 10:12
Impatience is the opposite of imperviousness. Maybe imperviousness can have other opposites, too, but in my case, the real emotional upheaval was around the fact that I couldnât speed up the learning process to meet my expectations. My expectations and attitude had to change before I could provide the stability my son needed.
Natural consequences and/or an impersonal standard are tools that can make imperviousness a little easier to practice. When your kids are reeling against the direction youâve given or are asking for things to be different, itâs a lot easier to hold your ground when you have already clearly communicated your expectations and have even written them down somewhere. You donât have to flex your authority when you can simply appeal to the law of the land (or maybe just your house) and tell them that if you do x you get y (whether thatâs a positive or negative reinforcement). Direct disobedience needs discipline, authority isn’t something to be afraid of, but well-established expectations and consequences can help with most other scenarios. (Listen to the podcast for the specific steps we took in this department!)
One important element of imperviousness is that you can see beyond more than just today. We can expect that there will be ups and downs in our day-to-day experience, but we need to remember that weâre playing the long-game (something my husband has had to remind me of often).
When Mom lacks imperviousness, Dad may be a good source of it! Dads (not always but often) can come at a parenting situation with greater emotional distance. Sometimes their approach seems harsh/too strict to us as moms, but sometimes thatâs exactly what is needed. Value what Dad brings to your parenting team.
If you find yourself in the middle of a crazy season because youâve gotten on the roller coaster ride with your kids or have provided some of the loopty-loops yourself, itâs ok. Youâre normal. Course correct as soon as you canâpreferably before outside intervention is necessary! Hold the line. But donât wallow in your past mistakes. To quote Mystie: âRepent. Rejoice. Repeat.â
There CAN be peace on the other side of your worst homeschooling mistakes. God is merciful and gracious. And He can heal what is broken. Confess and repent, rejoice in the Lord, and pursue joyful-yet-impervious fellowship with your kids as you guide them through their home school years and beyond.
I hope my story and these considerations can help you in your parenting and homeschool journey. God is faithful. Look to Him for the fruit of the Spirit each day, and trust Him for the fruit He will produce in you and your children over the long haul. Steady your heart to provide a stable, impervious mama for your kiddos. You and they will be better for it.
Here’s the podcast link, one last time:
And if you want another peek into my story, here’s an article I wrote while in the middle of that challenging season: Ideals and the Daily Grind.
Have you ever heard the term âimperviousâ before? Have you had a seriously challenging season with one of your children? How did you handle it?
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This is a longer book review than I usually write on Goodreads, so I thought I’d share it here. When I take the time to give a more thorough review, it’s often because I think the book is valuable and that at least some people probably ought to read it, but it also likely means I have some considerations that I think readers ought to keep in mind in order to sift through it and apply it rightly. Mama Bear Apologetics is one such book. In this case, there are some things to “chew and spit” from the book, even as the book itself teaches moms how to “chew and spit” what they encounter in the world today.
My rating: 4 of 5 stars I give this 4 stars, but that’s rounded up from 3.5.
While I am a mother, I am not the target audience for Mama Bear Apologetics. I’ve been around the block a few times when it comes to apologetics. The authors are writing to moms who aren’t so familiar with it. But I was excited to see this title in Hobby Lobby and wanted to preview it to see how useful it would be for younger moms I know.
Verdict: The content chapters are very good at briefly covering the various isms and issues of our day–I’m thankful that a book like this exists. I’d say it is useful to its purpose but with a few very important caveats, especially concerning the introductory chapters.
Most foundationally, while I understand wanting to stress the importance of apologetics, there were some problems in how the authors laid it out in the first two chapters. They talked about apologetics as “foundational”. They cited the sad statistics of how few professing Christian teens actually read their bibles (among other stats). But then a few pages later they said that reading the bible (along with Sunday school, etc) isn’t enough–we need apologetics. There’s a disconnect here, folks. If only 5% of professing Christian teens today read the bible, and that’s down from 8% in 1991, then the most foundational problem is that teens aren’t actually in the Word. And what’s more, those teens from 1991 (or the decade or two after that) are parents today–so we have biblically illiterate parents as well as teens. If apologetics gets people to dig into their bibles more, great. But the foundational issue is not a lack of apologetics. The foundational issue is a lack of a foundation–in the Scriptures.
To be fair, the author of chapter two does say: “We need to remain in God’s Word and in regular prayer to Him. After all, we can’t defend Scripture if we don’t know it.” But 1) this was one statement in a sea of overemphasis on apologetics, 2) it still makes bible reading subservient to apologetics (“we can’t defend⌔) instead of reading it for its most foundational purpose–to know and love God, and 3) it still only refers to the parents and not the training of the children to read the Bible for themselves.
It may feel to some like I am splitting hairs here, but it is incredibly important to put things in their proper order! Jesus is worthy of devotion no matter what goes on in the world around us. And His Word is precious to us because it is how we grow in knowledge of our God and how we can serve Him. Then we can learn to defend against enemy attacks because we prize what we are defending. We only arm ourselves with apologetics because there is something worth defending and holding onto for its own sake. I trust that the authors agree with this, but I sure wish they had taken the time to allude to the real foundation and give a brief outline of core Christian teachings and basic spiritual disciplines before diving into the rest of their content. A little less cutesy talking down to moms would probably have provided the space needed.
Connected to this inordinate emphasis on apologetics is the idea that apologetics is needed–and even apologetics curriculum!–for very, very young children. Everything in me screams, “No!” Children need to be steeped in the Word of God. Their first instruction needs to be the positive teaching of Christian faith and practice in reference to the Bible and their everyday life, not instruction in reference to the wrong ideas in the world. A closing thought from one of the authors at the end said that in reading this book, “you have taken your first step toward teaching yourself and training your children to love God with their minds. Bravo!” The encouragement intended is not lost on me, but a book like this is not the first step, friends. Confess your sins and trust in Jesus for salvation. Read God’s word, memorize it and meditate on it (THIS is how you train or renew your mind). Participate in local church fellowship, baptism, and the Lord’s supper. Teach and share these things with your children and pray for the Lord to work. The ordinary means of grace are the first steps and they are the step after that and the step after that and the step after that–even as you add some apologetic training to your ordinary, faithful Christian lives.
In chapter two, there’s a bullet point tip to “Carve Out Regular Family Time to Study”. This sounds great on the surface, but it’s not a direct call to read the bible together as a family, it’s a call to go through apologetic resources (which is fine if you’re already doing the basics, but it’s sidestepping the obvious if you aren’t). And if you need an example to help you get started, “we can look toâŚother faith systems that have successfully established certain routines within their families. Islam, Mormonism, and Orthodox Judaism prescribe specific times each day during which they stop to pray, study their religious texts, or disciple their kids.” My friends, we don’t need to look elsewhere for how to train up our children, as interesting and instructive as an outside comparison may be. Our point of reference ought to be Deuteronomy 6:4-9 and Ephesians 6:1-4 and the countless examples of faithful Christians who have been intentional about training up their children in the ways of the Lord for centuries to the present day. Not to mention countless modern books encouraging parents in their role of discipling their children. Why not recommend one of those books in passing? Why not call parents to their duty in reference to scriptural command rather than in reference to fear of the culture?
The above examples are real point-of-reference problems in the book (almost all from the introductory material in chapters one and two). As much as I love the content chapters on the issues of our day, the way in which the entire discussion is framed falls short–readers ought to take this into consideration. Seek out positive examples of Christian training and instruction in the home–from real, live godly people and solid books. Apologetics is only one small but important part of the whole, and unfortunately that isn’t communicated well in Mama Bear Apologetics.
Most of the rest of the book was very good and helpful. The chapters on Discernment and Linguistic theft were great. As were those on Self-Helpism and Naturalism.
But Chapter 7 on Skepticism (agnosticism and atheism) contains encouragement for Christians to embrace a “healthy skepticism”. This is clever, perhaps, but I don’t see the Scriptures promoting any kind of skepticism. Wisdom and discernment and turning away from lies, yes. Taking captive every thought, yes. But not “skepticism.” I think this is a poor word choice when there are Christian virtues and scriptural language that could be forwarded instead. There are great points in this chapter about being willing to wrestle openly with doubt and questions, but please take care not to promote “skepticism” to your children. I couldn’t pray along with those words in the scripted prayer at the end of the chapter.
The chapters on Postmodernism and Moral Relativism are pretty good, but after the chapter on Emotionalism I felt like I needed a break from the book.
Switching between writers mid-chapter (especially in the chapter on Emotionalism), was confusing at times and made for a less than great reading experience. I didn’t care for the overly-caricatured tone throughout the book, either. Everything is in “mama bear” terms, and it gets a little old and cheesy (even for a seasoned mother!). And some of the illustrations just didn’t work logically. I put the book down about half way through due to these frustrations, but I am glad I picked it back up several months later to finish it. I found the latter half (chapters on Pluralism, New Spirituality, Marxism, Feminism, and Progressive Christianity) to contain better writing and argumentation and to be a bit more serious in tone.
While I don’t believe we need to “advocate for a healthier feminism” just like I don’t believe my kids need to be “healthy skeptics,” the general handling of all of these isms was really very good.
Bottom line for young moms: This book can help you get a handle on the big ideas competing for hearts and minds in our world today, and if you have kids in public school where they encounter these ideas early, or if one or more of your kids are 10+, it can equip you to practically start and navigate conversations with your children.
But if you only have little ones, there isn’t anything to do with this information yet other than to learn it yourself. Your young children primarily need you to do the normal (traditional) Christian things: pray with and for your children, read the bible to them, sing hymns and praise songs and scripture set to music, memorize key bible verses, learn to give instruction with loving patience, but also teach them to obey and to repent and to believe and trust in Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection. Love them and their father well, teaching them to be respectful by your example. Be faithful members of a biblically-solid local church. Love God and your neighbor. Live out your faith alongside your children and before them. Teach them ordinary life skills. All of the above, laid down little by little, is the best foundation you can give them. You’ve got time to learn and grow yourself in all of these things, so don’t parent scared. Be faithful in these “little” things, and when it comes time to tackle tough issues or formally teach your kids apologetics, trust the Lord that you’ll all be ready for it–and trust in the Lord that He will be there with you.
Have you ever gotten sucked into those bread making reels on social media? They can be mesmerizing and inspiring. But “like” enough of them, and the algorithm will feed you more of the sameâonly itâll up the ante. They wonât just be women baking bread for their familiesâtheyâll be women running home bakeries, producing 100 beautiful loaves a day.
What was once encouraging becomes discouraging.
If the images you see in internet reels are the measure of your godliness, youâll find you canât keep up. And if you try to keep up with someone elseâs calling, you might find that it becomes a distraction from following your own.
Our image-driven culture gives us a lot of aesthetics we could idealize as âtrue, biblical womanhood.â
Back in the early days of my own marriage, it was the Victorian woman or pioneer. Today it might be the trad wife. Or the homesteader. Or the gentle parent. Or the classical bookish type. Take your pick.
Images can be deeply motivating. I think this is why we like them. We want something to embody our ideals so that we can see what weâre after and work towards it. This isnât all bad. “Follow me as I follow Christ,” is a pattern Paul left us in the Scriptures, after all.
But after 16 years of marriage, my own idealism and my husbandâs have had plenty of time to bump up against each other and be disappointed (turns out weâre both human and sinners and finite). I can now see how chasing an idea of a godly wife is different from being one.
Letâs say Iâm 27, and I decide to try out the wears-skirts-and-makes-her-own-bread version of biblical womanhood. Neither of those things are bad. But am I making bread because it saves my family money and provides greater nutrition, or am I doing it because it fits the image? Do I wear skirts because I delight in flowy, feminine clothing that my husband appreciates, or am I again seeking to craft an image that makes me feel more godlyâor that I think gains approval from my tribe?
My motivation and walked-out attitude in these things matters immensely.
HowI respond to my husband and children and manage my time and resources in the day-in, day-out details of making a life together tells a lot more about my godliness than the style of clothes Iâm wearing or the on-trend baking projects I undertake.
Godliness is oriented toward Godin our hearts and in all we do. It isn’t measured merely by activities and accessories.
The Wrong Image Can Create Blindspots
We ought to use our imaginations to help us envision what biblical womanhood can look like in our lives as wives and mothers (and it’s even better when those imaginations are informed by the real lives of godly women in our local communities). But when we fixate on the image or the personaâthe meta-narrative we want to tell about our lives, especially when it’s informed more by social media than by realityâwe may be at risk of blinding ourselves to the very real everyday decisions that actually add up to a life of obedience.
Itâs entirely possible to think youâre checking all the boxes (because it sure looks like you are on the outside!) all-the-while neglecting to respond to your childrenâs needs in a timely manner or do that thing your husband asked you to do that you really-didnât-wanna.
Itâs pretty easy to craft an image of a godly, selfless wife and mother while being selfish and ungodly in the moments of our days.
Aesthetic does not equal character. Aesthetic does not equal godliness.
The desire to honor God in the way we live our lives is good. I think this motivates a lot of young wives and mothers to seek out inspiration to live the life they believe will do just that. My own motives were in this zone as a younger woman.
But I’ve come to realize that taking what might be steps in the right direction doesnât mean we wonât face temptation along the way. And it sure doesnât mean that when we do weâll see that temptation for what it is. This is where that image-crafting can get us into trouble. Weâre already sinners with a tendency toward self-deception (see Jer. 17:9).
The really surprising thing is that we can use even good things to keep ourselves deceived.
Iâve put on the prairie muffin uniform, and Iâm doing all-the-things. How can I go wrong?
By fixating on the imageâthe outward appearance and all the accompanying gear and choreographyâwe may unwittingly create blind spots in our lives at home. Your husband and kids donât actually care if you are on-trend among Christian women on Instagram. They care how you show up with them on an average day in real life.
To the Word
If the fall of professing Christian social media and reality TV stars teaches us anything, itâs that we can project a wholesome image to the world while rotting out on the inside. We do well to guard against this.
The two greatest commandments, to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love our neighbor as our self, are far more important than looking like a particularly curated and re-imagined version of the Proverbs 31 woman. That ideal woman (who is probably at least in mid-life at the time of writing đ ) dresses well and rolls up her sleeves to get things done, but it’s in the fear of the Lord, with the teaching of kindness on her tongue, and I guarantee you it’s in reference to the needs of her own family and community and not about chasing a fad.
Even Titus 2 speaks of the character of a godly womanâsensible, kind, pure, loving, working at home, alongside her husbandâwithout dictating an aesthetic or a specific to-do list. And in 1 Peter, weâre instructed to have a gentle and quiet spirit, to hope in God, to do what is right without being frightened by any fearâŚover against a preoccupation with outward appearance (ânot the putting on of dressesâŚâ). Even in 1 Timothy where we get some instruction on modest dress, the emphasis is actually on living like women who are making a claim of godliness, with a reputation for good deeds.
Weâre directed away from an image and to a kind of characterâone that loves and fears the true God, works heartily for the good of others, and embodies the fruit of the Holy Spirit, especially in her closest relationships.
If a pagan or an atheist can put on the same uniform and take up the same tools (and they do, friends), then maybe playing the role of the trad wife or homesteader isnât what makes us godly.
When we recognize that we are beholden to the Scriptures and that paying attention to our own people can help us see where we need to grow, it actually frees us from the bondage of feeling like we need to conform to the next fad in supposedly-biblical-womanhood that pops up in our feeds.
And the freedom from outward pressures to either adopt an image or craft one can leave us with enough peripheral vision to see how the Holy Spirit might be shining a light on areas where we need greater trust and repentance and obedient love.
When we see clearly and repent quickly, our consciences can be clear because weâre confessing sin and taking it to the cross where Jesus has paid for it in full. And we can then pursue styles and hobbies that we enjoy to the glory of God and that build up our families to the glory of Godâregardless of whether those things âfitâ a particular image.
When we see with this kind of clarity and move in this kind of freedom, our eyes can then be fixed on the only image that is really worthy of beholding, the ultimate inspiration for living a godly life: Jesus Himself. And none other.
Be godly. And then go ahead and bake the bread. Put on that skirt, if you want to. Enjoy it all to the glory of God. But make sure it’s for Him, for your family, for you. And not for the masses. Not for the likes and follows. Not for the sake of crafting an image.
Some time ago both my boys were sick. And then one of them had mostly recovered.
One thing you ought to know about my boys is that they do an awful lot around the house, so when theyâre sick, I have to pick up the slack, and some things just donât get done.
Photo by Vika Glitter on Pexels.com (This is not my son, in case anyone was wondering. đ )
It’s His Turn!
This time it was the compost bin that hadnât been taken care of. I told my recently-recovered son that it was time for that thing to be cleaned. It was nasty, let me tell you. It stank. There were gnats and gnat larva. Ew.
My recently-recovered son, at that moment, decided to protest.
â[My brother] was supposed to do it last Monday, before we were sick, and he didnât. I shouldnât have to do it. Itâs his turn.â
I raised an eyebrow: â[Your brother] is sick. And today is his birthday. The compost bucket needs to be cleaned out, and you can do it.â
He balked and wanted to âexplainâ the situation further, so I employed the mom look.
He quickly said, âOk, Iâll do it.â
Mom look: 1
Middle school boy: 0
He did do it. And he did a great job.
Fair vs. Right
Later, as I was relating this story to my husband, I began to put my finger on what my sonâs response meant. He was responding in a very natural and understandable way. But it wasnât right. Why?
In the moment when he objected to my request, he was focused on fairness instead of righteousness. As it turns out, while those two ideals can overlap at times, they are actually quite different.
A quick look at Merriam Websterâs can help us see the difference.
Fair : 1 a : marked by impartiality and honesty : free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism⌠B(1) : conforming with the established rules : ALLOWED (2) : consonant with merit or importance : DUE a fair share
When it comes to the case my son was making, he was in line with that last part of the definition. He didnât think that taking out the compost on that particular day was his fair share. He knows we try to divvy up the chores in our home reasonably and equitably, not dumping all of the responsibility on any one person, not letting one brother off the hook and forcing the other to play Cinderella.
And while it can be reasonable to appeal to such precedent at times, there is something higher than fairness. Consider the dictionary entry for righteous:
Righteous : acting in accord with divine or moral law : free from guilt or sin 2 a: morally right or justifiable
That definition matches our common English use of the term. In the Bible, however, ârighteousâ or ârighteousnessâ seems to carry a more active and positive connotationâitâs more than merely not breaking divine or moral laws. When Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, tells his listeners that their righteousness is to surpass the scribes and Pharisees, He elaborates on that point in the verses that follow. He not only gives instruction to keep oneself pure or from transgressing the law (Matt. 5:21-37), but He also calls His followers to go far beyond mere technical obedience to law in order to show radical love to othersâeven to our enemies (Matt. 5:38-47).
Self-righteousness is often focused only on the âwithout guiltâ or “racking up points” idea of righteousnessâit focuses on keeping score for oneself. And it often doesnât mind making a fuss when it doesnât get what it thinks it deserves.
True, biblical righteousness (the practical kind believers are to grow in, not the only-in-Christ theological kind that we receive by faith) thinks of God and others and not one’s own winning streak. It does what is just and good concerning duty to God and others. It implies judging rightly (according to Godâs law and/or the needs of a situation) and acting in accordance with that judgment.
Fairness is Good. Righteousness is Better.
If my other son hadnât still been sick, I might have agreed with my recently-recovered son that it was right for his brother to pick up the slack that he himself had left behind. Even if it was his birthday. That would have been both right and fair.
But when one of our number is out for the count, the right thing to do is serve them, or serve in their place. To go the extra mile. To give the cloak off of our back.
Love covers a multitude of sins. And spills. And forgotten or just-didnât-get-to-it chores.
This is, of course, not just about middle school boys and their excuses. We can respond to the obvious needs around us with the same attitude, canât we?
We may complain that it isnât fair for us to have to do whatever it is that needs to be done right now. Maybe it is unfortunate, even unfair. But that doesnât change the fact that the thing needs done and that God has given us eyes to see it.
Will we whine like a teenager over fairness when it conveniently serves our interests ⌠or will we simply do whatâs right to the glory of God and the good of those around us?
If weâre paying attention, weâll probably begin to see that this question pops up on the daily.
Do you ever see your own attitudes reflected back at you by your children? Those moments can be comical and convicting! Share your story in the comments below.
Mother-in-law stories. Many of us have them, for better or for worse. Iâve got one that might just shock you.
My microwave oven gets cleaned pretty regularly these days, but it has not always been this way. In fact, it used to get pretty horrendously filthy due to my neglect. That is, until my mother-in-law butted-in several years ago and insisted that I keep it clean.
How did she insist upon this, you may ask? Well, Iâll tell you.
She had the nerve to notice that the microwave was dirty, and then, often without saying a word, she would clean it for me.
Thatâs it, folks. The nerve!
She would do this nearly every time she came over to my house. She never nagged me, she just did it. I began to feel bad that she was doing what ought to have been my job. âYou donât have to do that!â I would insist. But she would just smile, shrug, and brush it offâand still clean the microwave.
Mothers-in-law can be stubborn, canât they?
The only way I could win this one was to actually keep the microwave clean so that she wouldnât have to clean it.
Initially, her love and my shame mixed together in my heart and mind to start the habit, and over time, I began to appreciate having a clean microwave for myself.
And, as mothers-in-law are wont to notice things, mine took notice, too.
âItâs clean! Well! Good job!â
This kind of thing wasnât a new habit for her. Sheâd already been commenting on the state of the bathroom when sheâd visit: âYour bathroom is always so clean!â
Persistent with that manipulation, isnât she?
Never mind that she was usually there when we were hosting our house church, so I had cleaned the bathroom the day before–or even just that morning. She wouldnât hear those excuses, either. She still insisted that I was doing well.
Sheâs stubborn, I tell you. Through and through.
âââââ
I sure hope your mother-in-law is sweet and stubborn in all the same ways as mine. But if she isnât, instead of playing the comparison game, how about take some notes? I know I am. I have a pretty good idea what kind of mother-in-law I want to be some day. Maybe I can practice being that kind of mentor and friend nowâŚ
Thereâs a place for tough love, to be sure. Sometimes a timely rebuke or even a shaking of the shoulders is necessary. But there are other times in a young womanâs life that the most effective means of Titus-two mentorship come from simply showing up, cleaning something, and praising what sheâs doing well.
And if she tries to evade the compliment or prevent you from helping, just smile, shrug, and keep at it. Be stubborn in the best kind of way.
That’s how my mother-in-law convinced me to keep my microwave clean. And Iâm thankful that she did.
Kept and Keeping 