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Kept and Keeping

~ Rest in Grace, Labor in Love

Kept and Keeping

Tag Archives: miscarriage

By Now I Might Have Held My Baby

29 Thursday Aug 2024

Posted by Lauren Scott in Home and Family, Living Faith

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Christian mom, Christian Suffering, early pregnancy loss, faith, miscarriage, motherhood, pregnancy, pregnancy loss

Dear sisters, this article is about miscarriage. Some things I share may be a little too much if you are in the early weeks of pregnancy waiting for that first appointment, or if a loss is still fresh in your memory. It’s ok to skip reading this for now if that is what is best for you. For the rest, I hope what I share will be an encouragement and a help—if you have suffered pregnancy loss, may it remind you that you are not alone and that your have a heavenly Father who cares for you; and if you have not, may this help you to understand what many, many women experience during their childbearing years so that you can love them well in your own community. >hugs<

pregnancy loss miscarriage story
Maternity photo when my oldest was on the way.

Today might have been my due date.

The pregnancy was a surprise. We had discussed perhaps trying for another child before my fertility ran out (for reference, I’ll be 40 this fall), but we hadn’t made any decision yet to do so. We were both shocked when the test was positive.

My youngest son was 12. There would have been a 13 year gap. I was excited at the thought of a new baby, but I mourned the gap.

We had sold our minivan over the summer and replaced it with a pick-up truck. Vehicle prices had gone way up, and it looked like we would need to find another van.

We were in the middle of a very busy Christmas season, and with my pregnancy-induced autoimmune disease looming on the horizon, I had to find a doctor—and the right one–FAST.

To say that this news rocked our world would not be an understatement.

To add injury to shock, a few hours after the positive pregnancy test, my oldest fell on his other arm, and we were off to the emergency room that very same day.

Thankfully the fracture was mild this time, but while he was still in a brace, his brother got the flu, and we missed Christmas with my family. We tried to go down for New Year’s, but Nathaniel and my oldest got sick as well. We prayed, were careful, invested in some TamiFlu, and I thankfully managed to stay well.

Even so, my first OB appointment got delayed a week since we still had some lingering flu symptoms in the house.

Before moving on, I want to take a moment here to share how I related to God through this time of expectant waiting…

I knew I was a much older mom at this point, and that the likelihood of pregnancy loss was much higher. But I thanked God for the gift of new life, no matter what would come of it. To be expecting again was a gift. To be carrying a child, to love a child I could not yet see, was a gift. No matter what happened.

In terms of symptoms, I marveled that my initial hint-of-queasiness that started at 6 weeks hadn’t ramped up any by almost 8 weeks. Maybe this pregnancy would be different!

And indeed it was.

At what should have been 7 weeks and about 5 days, the ultrasound, though it showed a sac and everything in the right place, measured only 5 weeks and 5 days. No visual on the baby. No heartbeat.

“Everything looks good. It could just be that we’re working on a different time line than we originally thought.”

But I’d been charting my cycles for 16 years. I had the dates right. I knew something wasn’t right.

We were very pleased with the doctor and her staff, however. They were absolutely wonderful. And we were relieved to have a doctor who would readily prescribe the medication I needed to manage my autoimmune disease with nothing more than a phone call as soon as it started to flare up.

To get a better picture of how I was progressing, they drew blood to check HCG levels. And scheduled me to come back two days later to check it again.

But later that evening I started spotting. I thought perhaps it was related to a potential UTI, for which they’d given me antibiotics. By the next morning, it had gotten worse, and I was in pain.

By the day of my follow-up HCG draw, the pain grew intense. I had labored without pain medication for both of my boys, and would gladly do it again, but seeing the writing on the wall, I took a Tylenol to take the edge off for the ride to doctor’s office, which was awful. I’d never labored in a vehicle before. My autoimmune disease had required us to induce twice, so this was a new experience. That car ride was the worst.

Given my symptoms, we did another ultrasound to check on things. This time there was no sac to be seen. I could hear the heartbeat from another baby in another room, but again none in mine. I went home to wait.

The next day I stayed in bed and by evening had lost the pregnancy—and whatever there was of a tiny, yet unseen by me, baby—in the toilet.

I stayed home from church the next morning. Physically needing rest and knowing that I just couldn’t handle it emotionally yet anyway.

Friends took good care of us, bringing us meals. I can’t say enough how wonderful it was to be so well cared for. Our family and church family are such a blessing.

And we got to return the favor rather quickly, as a friend at a similar place in pregnancy had the same experience one week later. We grieved together and prayed for one another.

With my firstborn son, fifteen years ago. Add a few lines around the eyes, gray hairs, and extra pounds to imagine what might have been.

Once I had rested adequately, taking it slow for about four weeks, I threw myself into whatever work was at hand. Speaking at a local homeschool mini conference, planning a surprise party for my husband’s 40th birthday, reaching out to ladies at church, among other things. If having a baby would provide one set of opportunities, not having a baby would open up another. We weren’t sure if we would try again, so in the mean time, I put my hand to the plow and tried not to look back. If this was the door the Lord had open for me, I would walk through it with as much fervor as I had thrown into supporting my pregnancy.

Sometimes it’s hard to know whether we have fresh diligence in our work or if we’re just looking for a distraction from pain. I think it was a mixture of the two for me. I tried to be present with my grief when it came over me, talking it through with my husband, and pouring it out before the Lord. But I also didn’t want to sit in it. Still, it would come on in waves, the triggers taking me by surprise.

Like shopping for clothes for my boys at the big consignment sale event. I didn’t think anything of it most of the time we were there…until we stepped into the room with all the baby gear…the kinds of things I would have been shopping for that day if there was still a baby growing in my womb.

Another trigger hit with a wave of both grief and gratitude.

When I was going through some important papers a couple months after the miscarriage, I came across my youngest son’s birth certificate. I read the words: “Certificate of live birth,” and immediately burst into tears and gave thanks to God. How precious those words were. Because my son is precious, and I can remember how tumultuous his birth was—how I had been monitored for almost ten weeks by a high risk OB with ultrasounds and non-stress tests, how my amniotic fluid levels got to be too low and risk of stillbirth increased, how his heart rate wasn’t great when we went in to induce, how things got better with an IV but eventually got worse and even risky as labor went on, how close we were to an unmedicated emergency C-section, how the doctor coached me to push non-stop-no-breaks until he was out and breathing. “Oh, baby, baby, baby!” That’s how I greeted him when he took his first breath, filled his lungs, and let out his first, sweet cry.

But I had processed all of that before. This time the words hit me with all of that weight and the added weight of a live birth that now could never be. There’s a sinking feeling as I type those words, but my overwhelming takeaway from that moment with my son’s birth certificate in my hands is this: life is precious. It’s a gift. It’s not guaranteed. The fact that I have two amazing sons who are now in their teen years is all of grace, all a gift of God. And I’m thankful.

Fast forward to today. In the midst of a busy end-of-summer, start-of-school, birthday-celebration season for our family, it’s strange to think of how different our current pace would be if I’d been battling an autoimmune disease and late-pregnancy fatigue and had had a baby a week ago (I didn’t expect to reach my due date).

The grief doesn’t rush over me like a wave anymore. It’s more like a sad but distant peak into an alternate life that might have been but isn’t. Our life and our hearts are full, even having been given a taste of another good thing only to have it taken away. God is good.

That’s not a cliché, it’s truth. A truth to cling to in the midst of trials that feel anything but good.

God would be good however it all turned out. The Author of life is the Author of our stories, and we are living in the story He has chosen to write for us–for our good and growth in Christ and for His glory. In so many ways it isn’t what we would have imagined or chosen ourselves. But it is good. He is good.

And that is where my heart can find its comfort and rest.

I hope yours can, too.

Books Read in 2017

18 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by Lauren Scott in Books

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Books, Family Culture, great literature, Home Education, humility, micro book reviews, miscarriage, Mother Culture, quotes, Reading List, Shakespeare

This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase through one of these links, I may receive a commission at no additional cost to you. 

DSC_0010I’m a little late to the party with this post, what with major blog changes last month and major life changes this month, but I hope you’ll nevertheless enjoy these micro book reviews as much this year as in past years when I have been more prompt.

New for this year, I’ve divided up my list into two categories–things I’ve read for my own benefit or interest (what could be called “Mother Culture“) and others which have directly involved my children (sometimes for school and other times for what I suppose you could call our “Family Culture”).

Happy reading!

Personal Reading or Mother Culture

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Teaching From Rest by Sarah Mackenzie  I’ve had many friends in the homeschooling world read and recommend this book, so I thought I’d check it out. Teaching from Rest certainly lives up to its praise and its name. If homeschooling has become a chore or you feel caught in the educational rat-race, this book will be a game-changer. Sarah offers a gentle challenge to homeschool moms to re-evaluate our perspective and our curriculum so we can start from a place of resting in the Lord, see our children for who they are, simplify our to-do lists, and focus on what really matters. This is a book I’m quite likely to revisit.

Knowing God by J. I. Packer  This book is on my reread-it-every-few-years-until-I-die list. Packer manages to lead the reader on a tour de theology without getting weighed down by heartless intellectualism.  Quite the opposite, every turn along the path is a new opportunity to have your heart encouraged to adore, worship, and live for our great God.  Highly recommend, as usual.

The Lord of the Rings:  The Fellowship of the Ring by J. R. R. Tolkien Can’t go wrong with a little Tolkien on the list, now can we, precious? I think my favorite theme in this book is that of friendship.  As Frodo prepares to leave the Shire and the only world that he has ever known, he discovers that his closest friends are better to him than he had ever anticipated.

You can trust us to stick to you through thick and thin–to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours–closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo.

The fact that the book is essentially a story of one great, big backpacking trip is not lost on me either.  I’m just glad I don’t have to worry about Orcs when our family hits the trails!

Inheritance of Tears: Trusting the Lord of Life when Death Visits the Womb by Jessalyn Hutto  I met Jessalyn when she started attending the church I went to during our college years, and I got to know her better through fellowship, a missions trip, and many games of Ultimate Frisbee. I’ve followed her writing over the years and was quite excited to finally get my hands on her book. I have never experienced a miscarriage, but I have stared down the very real threat of stillbirth before my second child was thankfully born alive. Many times over I’ve wondered how different things would be had he not made it. On that level, I found this book incredibly, biblically encouraging.  

Despite my own experience, however, I really can’t identify with the pain that my sisters bear who have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth. That’s the other reason I was drawn to Inheritance of Tears. Jessalyn shares not only truth-based encouragement, but also her own heart and experience through two miscarriages of her own—giving a window for others into the world of a suffering mother. If you have lost a child or know someone who has, I encourage you to check out Jessalyn’s offering of tenderness and truth.

Led by the Spirit by Jim Elliff  My husband read this short book this year and suggested I do the same.  How do we make decisions in our lives as Christians? We know we are to submit them to the Lord, to let Him lead, but how does that work? Led by the Spirit seeks to answer this question. If you’ve ever slogged through Decision Making and the Will of God, it might help to know that this book has much the same premise—proposing what Jim Elliff calls “sanctified reason”—but Led by the Spirit is far more succinct! And along with greater brevity comes, I believe, a greater balance between reasonable, scripture-based decision making and humble, prayerful dependence upon the Lord (if only for the way the subjects are proportioned).

The hazards of becoming a mere rationalist are obvious. You must be as vigilant to avoid running aground on that sandbar as you are of being swept over the waterfall of mysticism. The guided believer recognizes the decided value of appropriately relating to Christ and not just assuming, in a casual way, the blessing of God on his thinking. You need God.

For the Children’s Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay  I read this book 2016 (and thus wrote a micro book review last year) and then again in 2017 with my local Schole Sisters group. For a great full-length review of For the Children’s Sake, check out this article by my friend Jessalyn (yes, the same one mentioned above).

Humility: The Beauty of Holiness by Andrew Murray  Mystie Winckler recommended this book while I was taking a run through of her Art of Homeschooling course. Humility was free for Kindle (and still is!), so I jumped right in. Murray is a bit mystical at times and apparently really likes the word “secret” (which makes for a few statements that seem a bit over-the-top), but it would be a shame to allow those rather minor differences in word choice and emphasis to overshadow Murray’s incredibly edifying–and truly humbling–message.  I loved reading this highly-quotable book and will likely come back to revisit it again in the future.  Here’s just one quote that I find particularly poignant at this time in my life:

He prays for humility, at times very seriously; but in his secret heart, he prays more, if not in word, then in wish, to be kept from the very things that will make him humble.

Yep.  That’s me all too often.

Twelfth Night, or What You Will, by William Shakespeare When I’m able to keep up, or when it aligns with the direction my reading ought to be going anyway, I have loved reading along with and listening to the Circe Institute’s Close Reads podcast. I wish I could join in on every book, but alas, in 2017 Twelfth Night was the only “close read” on my list.
I listened to this dramatic reading available on Librivox (the voices were all fairly well done, with the exception of one character’s voice seeming a bit out of place). Duke Orsino thinks he loves Olivia, who thinks she needs to mourn her brother’s death for the next seven years (a task which leaves no room for romance, says she). While these two sink deeper in their own delusions, other characters weave their way into the web of romance (or lack thereof)—and some of them in disguise! While I loved the language and the humor of the social and romantic twists and turns of the play, the podcast really brought so much more to light for me, including the significance of the upside-down ridiculousness that features so strongly throughout. Some of my favorite lines from the play came from the rather witty fool:

Wit, an’t be thy will, put me into good fooling!
Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may
pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?
‘Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.’

I suppose I could nearly add The Taming of the Shrew to my list since we saw the play at an open-air performance this summer. It was our boys’ first experience with Shakespeare, and boy was it memorable—from the popcorn, balloon animals, and face painting before the show, to the live cracking of a whip on stage. But…you tell me. Does watching a Shakespeare play count on my reading list???

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If I be waspish, best beware my sting!

With the Kids, or Family Culture

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Ben Hur: A Tale of the Christ by Lew Wallace  My family and I listened to a Librivox recording of this book on a road trip in early 2017. Ben Hur is a tale of historical fiction in the time of Christ. Lew Wallace put a lot of research into his descriptions of places, beliefs, and customs of the time, and this shines through his narrative. Part one provides an in-depth introduction to three desert travelers following a star. Finally in part two we meet the title character and begin to follow his life story as it weaves in and (more of the time) out of the biblical accounts of the life of Christ. While there is a bias toward a fair-skinned, light-haired Madonna and Messiah, much of the historical world-building is an incredible help for those eager to get a sense of the cultural climate that Jesus entered into. It’s also an incredibly moving and faith-building story, though I will leave it at that so as to avoid any spoilers. Suffice it to say, the recent movie rendition, though it was fun to watch, didn’t do it justice.

Five Little Peppers and How They Grew by Margaret Sidney  This was another lovely road trip listen-through. I never read about the Pepper family growing up, so this was my first introduction to the joy-filled but impoverished home of Mrs. Pepper and her five children.  There’s work to be done, fun and adventures to be had, and trials to overcome.  My kids really enjoyed this story (and so did I).

The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner  Road trip listening strikes again.  I DO remember reading this as a kid, so it was fun to experience it again with my boys.  Four as-good-as-orphaned children are trying to get away from what they suspect to be a bad situation when they find an abandoned boxcar in the woods and decide to make it their home.  This book was a good introductory survival story, despite the fact that every subsequent book in the series falls in the mystery genre (but my eight-year-old has no complaints!).

Heidi by Johanna Spyri  Yep, we listened to this one in the van, too. Seeing a pattern?  We did a fair amount of traveling with my husband for work this year.  Heidi is the classic story of the impact a cheerful little girl can have, both to soften hard hearts and strengthen the weak.  While there are some explicit lessons on learning to trust God will answer prayers in His time and for the best, which contributed to good discussion with our children, there is also in the background an immersive experience of the Alps in all their beauty, grandeur, and health-inducing fresh, open air.  The story of Heidi refreshes the soul with cheerfulness, hope in God, and the mesmerizing beauty of His creation.

Flowers are made to bloom in the sun and not to be shut up in an apron.

The Great Big Treasury of Beatrix Potter  Finally, here’s one I read aloud to the kids (for probably the third time).  Most people are familiar with The Tale of Peter Rabbit (though don’t count on modern video interpretations to give you the original story).  Have you heard of simple-minded Jemima Puddle-Duck?  Of cunning and conniving Mr. Tod?  Rude Squirrel Nutkin?  Tom Kitten?  Timmy Tiptoes?  The stories and their characters are a lot of fun, and Beatrix Potter’s illustrations are lovely.

Arkansas Autumn by Tim Ernst  This fall I gathered a grand collection of seasonal books from our local library, including this gem. Tim Ernst is an avid hiker and the foremost nature photographer in Arkansas.  We enjoyed gawking at all of his beautiful fall pictures, reading about where and how they were taken, and guessing at the types of leaves featured close-up throughout the book (answers were in the back of the book).
As an added bonus, we got to meet Mr. Ernst at a presentation he gave this fall.

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If you love nature photography in general, and if you love outdoor adventures in Arkansas in particular, you ought to check out the many photography collections and guidebooks Tim Ernst has published.  Our family loves them.

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson  Christmastime calls for its own kind of reading.  I’m pretty sure I watched the movie based on this book as a kid, but this was, to my knowledge, the first time I’d read it for myself (and out loud to the boys).  I bawled my eyes out through the entire last chapter.  This is a beautiful story of the hardest of childhood hearts being softened by an honest encounter with Jesus.  We’ll be adding it to our read-every-Christmas list for sure.

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens  Here’s another classic Christmas book that will stay in the rotation for many years to come. I’m sorry to say that I had never read Dickens’ ghostly Christmas tale before this year, either!  I didn’t care much for Dickens when I was in school, but I came to appreciate his humor and style in A Christmas Carol and hope to give his other works another try.  I think I’ll be able to “get” them now.

It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour.

We also watched the Muppet Christmas Carol to, you know, make sure we had a well-rounded experience with Mr. Scrouge.  😉

Hallelujah: A Journey Through Advent with Handel’s Messiah edited by Cindy Rollins  I snatched up this Advent guide with birthday money I received in November. Our family doesn’t have many long-established Christmas traditions of our own, and our kids are old enough now that it seemed like a good time to explore some different options.  I never grew up celebrating Advent, so Hallelujah provided both a focused tradition (listening to and meditating on Handel’s Messiah and the scriptures it was based upon) and some background information on the season from several different perspectives.  Our family does not feel compelled to follow any church calendar and we do not attend a liturgical church, but still we found great value and encouragement in these pages for making more of the Christmas season than we have in the past.
While we unfortunately were unable to keep up with the devotions toward the end of the season due to a bout with the flu, we have this resource and some experience now in making much of Christ in our anticipation of His coming, and I think these will serve us well in years to come.

A Tree in the Trail by Holling C. Holling This was me trying to keep up with at least a small amount of my eight-year-old’s reading.  We have read Holling’s Paddle to the Sea several times over as an enjoyable way to learn about the Great Lakes.  A Tree in the Trail traces the history and ways of life on the Santa Fe Trail by following the life, death, and re-purposing of one special tree.  Native American mysticism is present in the story, but it’s a good opportunity to discuss what other people believe.  I enjoyed having a window into a part of the country and a time in US history with which I am less familiar.

There are many other books that I read this past year, but these are the ones I actually finished… Sometimes I think I start more books than is good for me.  At any rate, I’ve got a good start for 2018.

What did you read in 2017?  What are you reading now?  I’d love to hear about it!

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Lauren Scott

Lauren Scott

Christian. Wife. Mother. Homemaker. Home Educator. Blogger. Book Addict. Outdoorist.

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